Deepavali

Deepavali.

I think the name is a misnomer. There is no light there is only crackers smoke and cough...

It should be cough avali, cracker avali , or many of these avalis.

The victory of good over evil, the proverbial success story has now been converted into a business strategy...

You have Deepavali sales, Deepavali discounts, Deepavali special sales etc.
It's purely a business ploy. No philosophy, nothing at all..

And I am pessimist, an atheist and a cynic, please do not take my words seriously.

I have not burst crackers since I was in 4th standard, and that's 15 years of not bursting crackers.

And then they always told me ”not to be afraid",
Yes that's how its always been for the entire set of 15 years.

Well it is time to be afraid, and i know you will still contest my views, burning crackers is good, it has been done for centuries before us and will be done centuries after us and people like you were there and will be there later too...

I think its okay now to burst crackers, it provides a lot of people with employment. A lot of people with a smart profit, thousands and lakhs of people to enjoy three or four days of good amazing holidays to burn their own money...

You inhale on an average enough smoke already to make your lungs accustomed to all types of varied chemicals that it's okay to inhale a few more.

And anyways the ozone hole is there, global warming is there and trees are being cut down to make bridges , etc etc, why should i not contribute to make the human race extinct.
When the neighbour is doing so much to make the world die faster, why should i be left behind eh ?...

This is how it always is.

And i said at the beginning of this article, i hate Deepavali.
Let me tell you a little more there.

If you take philosophy, it is a contention too. For a joy that lasts 20 seconds , we cause so much discomfort to others.Dogs birds cats and many other species.
I have a home , and the three days i can take refuge at home and hurl curses at you in silence. But what about those creatures.

I know you will tell it's not my problem, it's my money and I choose to burn it. If you have a problem then sit at home...

And then I know this year too, a lot of people will tell me, " do not be afraid" ,and a lot of people who share photos online , will forget the no crackers campaign and burst a few.

One cracker is all it takes to blow your resolution and i get it , its your money , go ahead...

One cracker is all i burst this year,
Say that to the person who lost his eyes to a bad cracker,
One cracker is all I burst , say that to your dog that hides afraid,
One cracker is all I burst ,
Say that to the asthma patient who has had a severe bout of cough.

One cracker is all I burst, imagine you are the person on the death bed and your last words are blocked out by a cracker...

All right that's a little too much I think.

As I told before , I am a cynic, a pessimist and an atheist.

And it's time we brought meaning to this festival of lights,
Both literally, physically, mentally, technically, fully completely as a time to catch up with people and enjoy their company in a safe and unbothered by burning your money....

Are you ready to make this  Deepavali the victory over crackers???

The stranger

This story is about no one. All incidents mentioned in this story is highly controversial and may not be suitable for all audiences.
Reader discretion is advised.

All right all right.
Let me get to the story now.

As like every of my crush stories, she definitely had all the ingredients that made the general formula tick.

It was somewhere in october when i first saw her.
The canteen was the hunting ground for all of us. I think you know what i mean. The green tag on her indicated that she was new around here. And she got the customary looks of appreciation, the archs of eye brows and the drawn breath indicated that there was a new player in town.

She was not drop dead gorgeous, she was thin, tall and lanky and sort of had an innocent face.

And i used to be really early to office and keep in wait like a tiger that prowls for its prey.
Truth be said, her innocent face had really taken to me.

Like clockwork she used to come to canteen. 8.35 to 8.39 , i used to have her darshan and a smile automatically came across my face.

This was at first not noticed by many others who joined my canteen table but then word spreads fast in the circles and soon it was estsblished that i had a crush on the tall and ridiculously innocent faced assassin.

I was afraid to talk to her, i had no reference of introduction and no reference for small talk. And so it passed. Monday's 8.35 , Tuesday's 8.35, Wednesday clockwork, Thursday perfectly on time, Friday too she landed exactly at that exact time.

And wait she was always accompanied by this large gang of girls. Around 6 to 7 actually , and really seriously tenacious looking people who at times caught my glances at the innocent queen .

The pattern continued. The days rolled on, and the slowly the day would not be complete without her being seen

Slowly i was slipping into an all too familiar entrapment. Sometimes i felt really bad , her existence in my life and her absence in mine. Like a eagle hovering over the plains in search of one opening.

One conversation is all i had ever wanted.

But today as I write the obituary for the feelings I garnered for her, entire twelve month mourning over. I am still a stranger in her eyes, the stalker , the stealer of glances and the stranger.

The one single conversation still seems elusive, but the last fire of the crush has ebbed away.

I think one year is a long time for a lady to know that she is in someone's radar.
And true to that , i think she knew.

It hit me after a long work day , the swirling emotions inside my head, came across the possibility of how i looked in her eyes.

The stranger.

It hit me really hard that night.

But when she made her debut in my life, Her simplicity had me crooning for her introduction, not a single line of makeup , long articulate fingers and a voice that was a little shrill, ( but that's acceptable).

Her presence made me smile and it came at a time, when personally i was a train wreck. The struggle at office was soon forgotten when it was 8.35 in canteen.

And it just gave my over worked mind a respite, my tensed nerves a soothing reprive and as days passed she came to be associated a happiness feeling.

And those days i needed that happiness very much, but of course she never knew it.

And now i had come to a stage where her image in my head was perfect, ( may be you can associate that with watching too many movies).
So perfect that I did not want to really know her faults and her flaws or her interests and passion...

I just wanted her to continue as my symbol of happiness.

At this point of time you are free to judge my honesty as and how you see fit.

There was a brief flicker of hope when the rational mind took over and a friend request was sent to her social media profile which was found after much research. A part of me still wanted to know her . But then as corporate people would put it. It was not in the priority list then...

There was much joy in life when she accepted this olive branch, but even then no conversation was hatched.

Now I know you are laughing at me, in fact even I was. But then she was among those really private individuals who did not want intruders on her life and she was not really a social media person and so was washed away any last surviving scraps of hope.

In an office full of people i was acquainted with there was absolutely no one who i could call on for an introduction, it is like that corner that only an mosquito or a cockroach can hide when attacked , my chances of getting to know her hid in that very unaccessible corner of the world...

And slowly i came out of the vortex of infatuation and moved on with my life...

Until one day i happened to see her in a black attire...
All resolve broke away .
All promises i made to myself to stay away from trouble vanished.

I was marooned , hook line and sinker.

Still i was the stranger in her life , and the sadness still persisted that i had failed for almost a year to have a single and simple conversation with someone i desperately wanted to know.

By then i had assimilated enough information to know that she would never be compatible with my eccentricity and madness.

But now it was a challenge to my ego...

And yet again i failed. I remembered one date very well, the day of her birth .

And as and when it came, i was blank, and i had opened a mail , written " Happy birthday ” and really contemplated whether to send it. I waited for the entire day. But at the end I just did not have it in me to click send.

And the crush story well and truly ended and this time there would be no zombies.

But all is well that ends well...
But this one ended a long time before it even started...

Thus ends the obituary of my crush.

Well this story is about no one. All incidents in this story are completely false and any resemblance to anyone you know is purely a matter of your concern.

Am i Victorious ?

I do not know, if I shall ever be victorious.
And what shall be my victory !

I have always been on the heavier side of weight and almost always been the called names.

It has been done so much that I longer care about,
But is this victory?

Remember every time you use my weight for a joke, you take a hit at my person, at my confidence.

But I have come to take the joke and even laugh at it. Is this my victory or yours??

Am I being sensitive? Or insensitive is a question I leave you to answer.

But just like that, a random comment has the potential to hurt someone at the very core of their person.

Every movie I have seen has the person on the heavier side being a character used specifically for comedy, an object of glutton and easy target for a overeating joke.

I have never seen a love story wherein the really handsome guy falls in love with the obese lady,
Or the big guy get to romance a ridiculously beautiful woman.

From a very long time, the image of Bheema has been the glutton, the image of an over eating Bakasura has been attached to every food lover.

It's like an accepted view of the so called society. An aim for perfection, the chiselled body of Roman God, the impressively impeccable thin Miss World and Miss Universes.

And there it is, out in the open and no one bats an eyelid , no one hits back. no one raises a voice.
It's what is similar to bullying.

And then there are those like me, called Bulldozers and many more names who have bulldozed the people who have called me names with being who we are,
Much more than Dumma, Dumsi, Dadhiya and Bakasura.

I know its some thing ideal, no deer born is void of the hyenas that laugh at it, wanting and willing it to give up and become prey.
Similarly no one who is on the heavier side shall have it easy...

It is not good to be obese on the health measures, i agree but my point here is not on that.
But it's something more about the person than the physical personality.

I have been jovial about my weight, tried to become thinner so that I too could be accepted into the elite circles of people mainly sometimes to catch the eye of someone I admire; then you get my point.

I hope to achieve very little with this article, nothing at all actually but the next time you see someone who is slightly seen heavier than the expected normal rates, remember that the person is much more than the physical imagery he/she portrays and a soul exists in them too...

I have attained victory.
I hope in making you think.

I have attained vijaya if I have made you stop calling people names.

I have won I hope.
On the day we celebrate victory.

I miss you

I dont know what to say,
I don't know how to say either...

But all I want to tell you is I
Miss you...

The tea just does not taste that good, without you by my side...

The drive back to office sounds like eternity without your laughter filling my ears...

The carrom board looks deserted, the last heart you drew on it still there, fading against the light.

The candles are gloomy, dull even; their light not falling on your shining eyes.

The mirror, the mirror is when it hits me the most.
The warm hugs, the toothpaste battles and the sneaked up peekaboos...

The bed misses your snores, the shrill cry of your sneeze, the silly early morning banter.

I miss you,
Every part of the house rings of your words,
Your laughter...

I don't know if you will ever know,
I look up every night at the stars and tell myself,
You are there somewhere...

You are there in my heart