Forgiving the past

While deleting photos of the virtual world my eyes caught upon this photograph,that transported me back to a place long buried in my past.

Time has healed me,but I am still scarred. Guess that's a souvenir I will have to carry with me until it gets washed away into the tombs of time.

I guess, The story started on a random day. Five to six people in their separate destinies had chosen to select the same college to chase their dreams.

But among them was someone who had chosen to chase after someone she had seen before and had been consumed by his thoughts ever since.

And it so happened that all roads lead to Rome.
Their destinies met.

Their eyes talked, hands danced and the rest of the world found them soulmates, bridged through seven lifetimes.

The princess and the frog prince did not have their fairytale perfect, they had to kill a few good men along the way.

In every love story, there comes a villain before, "The End", but in here I became the villain after the "Happy Ending".

Inadvertently, I was friends with both of them and the bridge between two beating hearts. And very fast I had begun trusting both with bits of information that a stoic like me had buried deep inside my emotional spectrum.

My childhood stories, stories of my victory, stories of my first crush. They reciprocated in kind and the bonding had become thick.

For a stoic like me, this was all new.

What was to come was even newer.

And then she popped the question, he said No.

I was too far influenced into the friendship to take either side.
And then like all love stories in Bollywood it happened.

February 14 , they updated their relationship statuses.

And i was still lost in my own little world, until the visits became about them, the talks were cooey cooey, soon I had become the Kebab mein haddi.

It was then, the roughest part of the transition from stoic to normal. There was a fight.

Friendship vs Love.
My male best friend chose love.
The female best friend chose him.

I was the injured seal in a swirling sea filled with blood hungry sharks.

And the cold wars had begun.

All the happy memories were now turned to memoirs of another time. And I had become the man who tried to poison friendship.

By then the threads of friendship had grown into many other ships, but no one knew the real story.

It was this time, that I evolved as a person. Life in all its true rawness hit me with such amazing force that I was stunned for a long time.

An erosion of trust had sent a unfeeling stoic into a mad man trapped in between the old and the new.

And slowly and slowly, time healed everything​. And I decided to let go of all the negativity surrounding life and became " The Shiva of the Kailasa Parvata".

To forgive them , to forgive myself and to learn from incidents and circumstances.

That last remaining photograph, the last reminder of a long bygone era of friendship took me back a couple of years;
I decided not to delete it and let it stay as a reminder of life and it's ways of teaching you all you need to learn.

madness reloaded

This is an on the spot blog post.
All grammatical errors have to be ignored and taken with a pinch of salt, or lemon or whatever you take it with.

Time flies fast , really fast. And all the experiences that it brings are like trophies that we hang on the wall or keep in the non dusted almirahs that get cleaned once in ten years.

This is like a drunken binge of words, there is not a sense of control, just the rawness of it all.

Right now I have no stories to tell.
A sort of void blankness that is trying to compete with the thought flood in the brain, literally confusing me, when my ears are perched up to hear something that my mom seems to be saying. There is no response that I can formulate at this moment.

And then i break this dance and say "What?".
And I am switched off again.

The train of thoughts, starts with the dinner table.

Today the table looks so clean.
I have to clean my table of books and find the elusive sheet of paper on which the monthly calculation of expense is done.
I am old school , I have no excel sheets.
I still prefer public transport or walking rather than catching an auto.

Walking is good for health. Nowadays the only walking I do is walking to the wash room and coming back to desk. I have not seen a sunset in almost 3 months.

In Three months, my best friend is getting married, to the love of his life. Why is that I have no such fairy tale. Fairy tales are for the gods , I am a demon.
Hahahaha.
Jokes apart, I follow no rules of the gods. In fact i do not believe in it. But yet out of sheer ritual i so a salutation every time I visit the place of worship.

The only reason i go there is to find good food and interesting stories.

I do not like going to pubs and drinking either. It is a place that gives me the creeps. Socialise is the word my friends have for it. I do not see any fun in going to a place and paying for bad food, no heart to heart conversations and splitting heavy bills.

And the high you say, the drink gives you, I can as well get the high by drinking Filter coffee.

Filter coffee is my poison, if I am to go to a place with a coffee vending machine that spews out bad coffee then I am a dead man.

Death is omnipresent, a very real prospect for every being. We are causing deaths of hundreds of trees in the name of development. There will be a reckoning someday.

Today is March 19, Sunday. It is just another day in the long list of days that have come. The work I said I would do is still remaining in the to-do list.

I am without doubt a lazy person, I want to binge watch this new TV series, the bills to be paid is still on the desk that needs to be cleaned.

My bank account has been cleaned up.
Ten days to go for the next salary.
Ten days is a long time in the life of a IT employee, that is almost 7 meetings with the boss ,asking a status update.

Facebook,I had banned Facebook usage in my phone for 120 days but looks like the government has raised the ban.

I have banned the newspaper at my place, also the Tv channels that spread panic 24*7.

And in this thought train 5 minutes were up and my mother came at me with vengeance and shouted at me for not answering her initial question.

And thus this thought train had come ti an end.

Falling in Crush

Twelve years ago I had my first love story.

Now do not go back and try to determine my age. A lot of things have changed since then but a few things remain unchanged.

That was the very first year of high school and the classes were reshuffled. There were classmates from my older classes but most of them were new.

I was then a timid shy young fellow. I had a fierce interest in Gandhian principles, I loved to read books and make new friends and ask a lot of questions.

Classes began early and ended late. And then it happened, the onset of puberty. Until then girls and boys sat together and shared their lunch dabbas, good handwritten notes and not to mention we had no problems with each other.

It all changed instantly and I as usual was very late in adopting to it.

Classes were always interesting, Chemistry Biology, trigonometry and what not. Also interesting was this particular person of interest. She was just like anyone else to the common observer. But to me she sent the first thrills of an infatuation.

She was tall, not too tall, fair complexioned, average in studies, had long hands and even longer nails.A nose that flared every time she laughed and she always polished her shoe. A voice that always drove me crazy.

All in all i had "Fallen in Crush with her".

It became more acute this need to look at her during class and talk to her and hear her voice again.
And with a lot of effort the place next to her was secured. It was a small chair that had been placed adjacent to her.
The class had a large attendance and this make shift stream of chairs served as a perfect way to get to know her.

And the first tests came, our scores were all the same but in that doldrums of trying to figure out who got the better score a few names stood out and I was not one of them.

And each day the closeness with her grew, exchanging notes, dabbas that we got for lunch , scale eraser and what not.

Without any help the seeds of romance had grown. But the hurricane was yet to come.

We enjoyed each others company, it was a thrilling phase, we both used to come early and chat about things, I'd help her with the last day's home work.

Little did I know that this breeze of romance would eventually turn out to be a hurricane in my life.

Others in our class had already begun gossiping amongst themselves and started to call us as one. Although l liked this I did not want this to hamper this lovely friendship.

It was over a Truth or dare session that things went horribly wrong.
And among three women caught in a fire, if I had to kill someone, save one and marry the other, three options and I chose her name to marry.

And this brought a shift in the way she conducted herself in the next few weeks.

And my scores hit rock bottom.
The exams in the half yearly were a disaster.

And this distance she maintained rubbed salt to injury. There was a new player in town who had set his eyes upon her.

Our friendship was never really the same thereafter. The corner seat was gone taken away by swift politics.

I was playing the catching up game now, she never waved at me when i waved a hi. She dare not smile at my jokes.

I was obsessed now to win her back. Damn those bloody movies that came during that time. The hero always got his lady in the end. I tried every trick in the trade to win her trust back.

And then exams came.

I had "Fallen in Exams "

The next year of schooling had brought its own brand of experiences to cherish and learn by.

There was a huge fight amongst us two.

The seating arrangement was gone. A new class, heavier bag and a heavy heart.

This Falling in love thing was not something i could discuss in the dinner table.

The distance kept on growing, i wanted to tell her sorry. I did not know why but i wanted to tell her the same.

I did say that to her.
And she relented a little, but then she already had another band of followers wooing her.

And my cracked bridge of friendship had one nail in the coffin left to be punched.

There was a trip that the school organised , and she had an ipod, and the songs were of the latest hindi film hit. I sung along to the same tone having secured a place just behind her.

I think thinking back twelve years ago. I acted like a fool then. I did not ever consider her side of the story. And I did not even know then the difference between being interested and being obsessed.

I did everything in the book that could tick me off in her mind.

Now back to the story.
When things had become increasingly tense between us , I made another blunder.

There was a huge fight. The pride of lions on her side and only one friend on my side.

Things were never the same again.

I had "Failed in Crush".

It was here I learnt my first lessons of the real world.

Even now, twelve years down the lane I regret to being the person I was then.

Now, If I had met her in this stage of my life, we could have had a very long lasting friendship.

Valentine

She was dark skinned and with a voice that could scare the living daylights out of you.

She was like the crow, feared but never understood and always looked down upon.

She never made much friends even though here  mom made the most delicious of curries.
She had long curly hair and every one called her as Kawkaw.

She was always seated in a discrete corner of the bench, writing the notes which the class teacher dictated.

I only got to know her one day when i came to class early to write answers on my desk to secure the passing marks for this exam.

She too had come and i set about my task with a devilish intensity. And very much later did i know that she was crying, her sobs had gotten louder.

Someone had played a prank on her. They had called her names and filled crow feathers in her bag yesterday.

I really did not know what to do, so I asked her to stop crying and gave her my handkerchief.

That was the first time I saw her smile, and she looked damn beautiful. I think she saw me look at her and blushed too.It was the first spark that ignited a intense passion.

I flunked the exam, she too did the same.We had to reappear the next year. And this ritual had started, she would get her dabbis full of my favorite curries and we would start discussing subjects, she always had a look of satisfaction on her face when I finished her dabbis.
We talked about god, about life , love and movies. Long days seemed to vanish around our discussions and arguments.

I was fond of her in a fondish way,But she was fond of me in a different sort of a way.
I got a letter dipped in red ink that read:

I think i am in love with you.
No one in my life has ever seen me as a person. They have almost always looked at me with an intense disgust. My black skin has always been the joke, my voice has always been ridiculous and I always felt unbeautiful.

Until you came to me and in a gesture that was unknown to me, friendship.

I think I am in love with you.
I laugh when you are around, I blush when look into my eyes and question my glance.
I don't feel like staying in class when you are not around.
With you around I just dont remember that the rest of them still see me as a joke.
I look at myself very differently now, thanks to you...

And as I read the letter, I realised it had not been written in red ink, it was something else.

It sent shivers down my spine, the ones that get you all spooky.
There was a part of me that was happy, a part of me that was terrified and a part of me that was still in shock.

I had to read it again and again, and every time I read it, I felt a strange sense of emotion, tears welled up in my eyes as I read her thoughts.

I called her and broke the news to her.

I could hear her crying even long after the call had been cut and the night had fallen.

And for the first time in her life there was a fairy tale.

Then and now.

Switch back a decade, I was still in school.
I used to visit my grandmother s house.
Maybe a few weeks prior itself the festivities would have begun. Me and my granny would visit the local market and buy the first dosage of jaggery, kobbri and sugarcane.

Sugarcane, that was the best. Afternoons were not in any way boring. I was always waiting for afternoon.
The faint smell of melting sugar tickled me out of sleep, only to find my granny in the kitchen making the Sakkare achu. Just when the instant was right I would swoop in or be called for to hold the wooden framework to make this sugary delight.
And the one that broke while carefully pulling away the mould was reserved for me.

This was a habit that gave me great joy, and at times I simply devoured a tasty treat without my granny noticing.

Also at my command was the lines and lines of sugarcane stacked against the wall, tall juicy and vibrant , inviting me to bite into their sugary richness.
And so we did like elephants drawn to sugarcane, tearing away the tough skin with our bare teeth and then competing with each other as to who made the tallest mound of sugarcane fibres.

It was a childhood delight i miss most these days.

Then i would be given chores like cutting the jaggery into small refined pieces and then mixing them with previously fried groundnut.

Then a lot of people from the locality would come over and simply talk on random things. These people brought along with them an assortment of young kids to play with.

And thus the festival was a ritual, a celebration of sorts that had a charm to it that nothing could beat.

Nowadays there is hardly a flicker of excitement for festivals, preferring already ready made ingredients instead of the home made, stereotyped wishes over a small little conversation...

I think with technology we have grown and Sankranthi is happy !

Images rather than wishes. I hardly can say, the motive behind the wishes have in any way diminished but the personal feel has definitely taken a hit.
Forward messages sent in hordes of 100s and images have taken courtesy wishes to a whole new level of artistry.

Well then that's that.
World is changing, so should our rituals.

But then old school has a charm of its own...

Happy Sankranthi.
(Irrespective , Sankranthi will be happy)
But it should bring a smile on your face and others around you plus fun and excitement in the day , then it has truly been a happy day of this festival for you...

Until the next festival over and out.

Best Regards,
Pungi

First book blues

This first book has tested my patience a little.

I had one definite thought in mind, This was going to be difficult. Infact it has always been difficult. And that's why it took me five long years to compile , sort and find answers to all the questions of how , why and what to do ?

Frankly  i don't have all the answers.
Its still a discovery in progress.

And every time there is a review comment, a comma missing , a lack of rhythm, no title and maybe no proper indentation, i feel like i am that dude who realised he is in love with the girl after she got married.

Well that's life.
Everything needs to be perfect. Atleast that's what everyone tells.

It hits hard when reviews are not about the content but about the presentation.

This is one thing i had considered.
But it hit really hard.
As hard as the fair and lovely advertisement and the fogg body spray when compared to the reality of it all.

There was another question that seemed  to catch me off guard.

Why should i read your book ?
No why ?

What makes me different  from all the books out there.

For me, its my brainchild.
No one is bothered about my brainchild. They have their own.

Phew. So much to digest in so little time.

And the journey has just begun.

Untitled Verses by Pungidasa

Well ,

I have been writing since 5 years now.

I do not know how I have managed to do that.

A lot of gratitude goes to each and every one of you that has directly or indirectly been an influence on what I write and how I write.

The joy of bringing a smile on your face as you read through my posts is simply rewarding enough.

For over 5 years a lot of people have asked me when I will publish my first book.

And I almost always said, ”sometime in the near future” , the time has finally come to make that happen...

Here is Introducing my first book .

Untitled Verses

An Elixir of poems.

By Pungidasa

Available at this link as an ebook

http://www.lulu.com/shop/pungidasa/untitled-verses/ebook/product-22998625.html

Please do read and give me a feedback
And if you do like it ,
Do share it.

Thank you

Best Regards
Sunil Sathyendra aka Pungidasa...